If life is a pie chart with different size slices for “eating, sleeping, working,” etc., the biggest slice of my pie would be “looking for my reading glasses.”
I have a main pair, a backup pair in the kitchen, a backup pair on a bedside table and an emergency pair in my purse. It’s not like I didn’t see this coming.
The thing is, I don’t like to resort to a backup pair because that is an admission of failure that I cannot find the main pair.
I’ve stopped asking my better half if he has seen my glasses, because the answer is always the same. Without even looking up, he will say, “Did you check on top of your head?”
OK, so maybe that’s where they are sometimes. Maybe that’s even where two pairs are sometimes.
The man is completely without sympathy, and I can tell you why. He lives in a world with pockets. Nearly every shirt he owns has a pocket -- a pocket for glasses. My shirts and sweaters do not have pockets.
The second largest slice on my pie chart would be “looking for my cellphone.”
Pocket inequity is why I also dash about yelling, “I can’t find my phone! Somebody call me! Somebody call me!” Someone whips out a cellphone to call me and I suddenly remember I put my phone on silent.
To divert attention from how no one will be able to hear my phone, I quickly switch the back to, “Has anybody seen my glasses?”
The third largest slice on my pie chart would be “looking for my car keys.”
Ninety-nine percent of the time, my car keys are in my purse, but it is a large purse. Think 50-gallon flex steel trash bag. It is the Bermuda Triangle. I once found a plane in my purse. It was made of Legos, but you get the idea.
I have a memory foam pillow, but not even that helps.
The real problem is leaving home without one of the big three. If I leave without glasses, the phone is useless. If I leave without my phone, the glasses don’t matter. And if I leave without keys, but remember my phone and glasses, I wind up sitting in the car catching up on texts on my phone.
Recently, I discovered a fix for making sure I have my three essentials before leaving the house. The key is mnemonics. Song and hand motions are a must. Remember singing, “Head, shoulders, knees and toes” with your kids? Tweak it a bit (eyeglasses, keys and phone) and you will never again leave home without the essentials.
Just be careful so when you do the arm motions and bend over, your glasses don’t fall off the top of your head.
Lori Borgman is a columnist, author and speaker. Her new book, “What Happens at Grandma’s Stays at Grandma’s” is now available. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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